​’Raula na pa!’ 

This is a true story.  When I was doing my residency in Ludhiana, Punjab we used to get a lot of emergency in the Casualty. Invariably there would be a lot of confusion with the relatives of the patient all talking together or with each other.  The nursing staff or the attender would admonish them with with, “Raula na pa!”  Meaning don’t create noise or confusion.  
As surgical residents we were entrusted the duty of Casualty Medical Officer by rotation, and our basic job was to give first aid and decide which patient is to be referred to which speciality. 
One day a case of head injury was brought to the casualty accompanying him was a whole lot of noisy relatives. A Sardar was the self appointed spokesman of the group and approached my desk.  I asked him “Daaso!” (tell me!).  His reply was “Daktar Sahabb  assi Malerkotla toh leke aye si, Sar toh saat lagya si.” (We are bringing the patient from Malerkotla and he has had a head injury). 
Referring to Neurosurgery was a no brainer, so I immediately got the Neurosurgery unit paged. When the resident from Neurosurgery arrived he was immediately surrounded by over eager relatives wanting to show their concern. The Neurosurgery resident after examining the patient came to my desk to give some instructions.  The relatives along with the spokesman came behind him and began interjecting and preventing me understanding the resident’s instructions. Mildly annoyed I turned to the spokesman Sardarji and said “Sardarji!  Laura na pa!” (Sardarji don’t show your dick!).  It was a slip of the tongue with an interchanging of syllables. I realized my mistake immediately but words are like arrows from a bow, once shot cannot be retracted. The Neurosurgical resident could barely suppress his mirth and stated the obvious “Looks like a slip of the tongue!” The relatives were stunned speechless, and unwittingly my words had the desired effect. The self appointed spokesman stared at me quizzically and maybe realizing Punjabi is not my forte said “Haanji!”

​“Now, here, you see, it takes all the running you can do, to keep in the same place. If you want to get somewhere else, you must run at least twice as fast as that!”

The Red Queen to Alice in Lewis Carroll’s Alice Through the Looking Glass

Nothing remains still, everything is in constant motion. In physics a still object is referred to as having ‘zero relative motion’, this is in relation to the observer, but both the object and the observer are moving with the rotation of the earth which is in orbit around the sun which  is moving around the galactic core and the galaxy moving towards it’s inevitable collision with the Andromeda Galaxy. So to remain in exactly the same place in time space we would have to run against the rotation of the earth and the orbit around the sun, galactic core and movement of the galaxy.

We can never rest on our laurels and have to constantly work towards remaining in the same position or in other words maintaining status quo. 

 Sport’s person know that very well and have to constantly work to maintain there ranking or position in a team. A company like Apple constantly has to innovate and invent just to maintain its place as a market leader. Nokia which until few years ago was a market leader no longer exists. Research in motion ‘RIM’ the makers of Blackberry are facing a similar fate. Even Apple was in the doldrums in the 90s until Steve Jobs was reinstated and steered it back. In our own fields we are constantly working to remain relevant. As a Doctor I need to keep abreast with new developments or become the innovator of one . This holds true in all professions. We have to work to maintain our physical possession against the ravages of time. It can be our homes or cars or our own physical self which we subject to gruelling exercises and Plastic procedures in hopes that we may negate the effect of time. Juan Ponce de Leon a Spanish Conquistador was believed to be searching for the ‘fountain of youth’, the waters of which would negate all the effects of time. Needless to add, he never found one otherwise our lives would be so simple, just drink and bathe regularly in the waters of the fountain of youth and voila you will appear the same as you did as when you were in your twenties. The question which begs to be asked is, how do you ensure that you will be back to your twenties? It could theoretically make you a neonate or worse back to the fetal stage!

So we are constantly running just to maintain status quo, if we want to rise beyond status quo we need to run twice as fast! However there is the Law of Diminishing returns which “When one input in a production unit is increased while the others remains the same results in a decrease in the output. An example for this is on an assembly line if you increase the number of people without increasing the number of pieces to be assembled you get a decreased production as now these people will get in each others way while waiting for a piece to assemble. All those exercising in a gym regularly realise that soon they reach a plateau where the amount of exercise maintains there weight and fitness at the same level. In order for more gains it would not be a simple case of increased exercise but also diet and variations in the type of exercise.

Don’t we all dream of just vegetating and doing nothing! Alas that is impossible! We can never be still. 

This dates back to the seventies some family friends of ours had adopted a puppy found on the streets. Despite being of questionable parentage the puppy displayed evidence of German Shepherd ancestry, with a black and golden coat. When I went to see the puppy I was puzzled because a weight had been tied to the middle of it’s tail forcing it to remain down. Out of curiosity I asked Aunty who was a dog lover what was the purpose of the weights? She replied “Beta he has a gay tail and weights are to correct that.” In those days the word ‘Gay’ was associated with gaiety, laughter and fun. For the life of me I couldn’t figure out how the dog’s tail had anything to do with those qualities. After joining CMC and attending Bob Bullards Physiology lectures, he would sometimes draw a stick figure of a ‘happy dog’ with it’s tail in the air and then a sad dog whose tail pointed downwards. Maybe that was the gay tail indicating a happy and gay dog!

Then came the eighties with the advent of a mysterious disease affecting homosexual men, resulting in a suppression of the immune system was loosely described as Gay Related Immunodeficiency (GRID). The word ‘Gay’ took on a totally different connotation. Using the adjective ‘gay’ had a different meaning now. The Men’s Hostel inmates were given a questionnaire where one of the questions were “Do you enjoy yourself in gay parties?” This brought about a lot of tittering and clarifications were sought from the source of the questionnaire, K.S. Jacob who had just joined Psychiatry as a resident. He just smiled and left it unsaid, but we presumed it was gay as in gaiety.

The earlier slangs for homosexuals were faggot, homo, Queen, weird and the less known ‘grey cat’. The Men’s Hostel in their initiation programme used to refer to the freshers as fags which of course was an abbreviation of faggot. These obviously were derogatory words may not have been acceptable to the homosexual community. The word gay has it’s origin from old French ‘gai’, which meant joyful, mirth full,  carefree, colourful and showy.  In the 19th century it implied a prostitute in females or a man who had multiple sexual partners, though the original definition was still in vogue. Then in 1920 it implied a homosexual male,  by 1950 the gay community felt that homosexual was too clinical a term implying a disorder and actively pushed for being called gay.  

A lesser known fact that even the Indian Gay community not to be left behind gave themselves the name ‘Khush’ meaning happy, though it never caught on. 

Going back to the dog’s tail, he grew to be huge and his tail now came gracefully down with an upward curve at the tip. You could feel an angulation at segments of the vertebrae at the root where the weight forced it’s direction downwards. This was a Eureka moment for me. Was it called ‘gay tail’ because it pointed upwards exposing the anal orifice? 

However now I am much wiser and a Google search has revealed  that the word ‘gay tail’ used to describe an skyward pointing tail in a dog predates homosexual references. It is because of the resemblance of the tail to a flag being waved gaily and not an exposed anal orifice. 

We all live and learn. So like man’s  best friend I retreat with my tail placed firmly between my legs.

I thought you may find this interesting as it consists of a lot of

Tamil words, of a lot unparliamentary!

Glossary of Common Terms used in CMC circa 1978-1984

Before you read I have to give the customary statutory warning. Some
of you may find the contents offensive, in which case please do not read further. The Words are fairly earthy and not all of you would appreciate it. However to do justice to a glossary all words have to be included.

Dear Friends,
Another memory to be shared with you guys. Every great institution has its own campus language and so does CMC.
These days the superhit song is ‘Why this kolaveri di’ is on every channel and is supposed to be in Tamlish. A mixture of Tamil and English. This song whether good or bad is debatable but definitely unusual and the words gave me a feeling of Déjà vu. We also used a mixture of English mixed with some Tamil and occasionally other words which conveyed our meaning more effectively than any other language did. Some of these words are fairly earthy and readers discretion is advised. These word have a slum origin (Men’s Hostel slums) which may explain their earthiness. The list includes as many as I can remember however all are free to add to this glossary.

Maccha: A very commonly used word which in Tamil means brother-in-law. Similar to the Hindi Saala which means the same. However few realize in Hindi there could be a darker connotation on the lines of ‘I slept with your sister’. However Maccha was used widely it could be before a sentence, “Maccha! Did you hear the new?” or at the end of a sentence,  “Got Muddied! Macchaaa!” It was also sometimes used to describe a Tamil son of the soil. If you notice Alfie still refers to himself as Maccha!

Muddi:- This was used to when one got finished either in an exam or otherwise. I could be a ‘muddi’ scene as apposed to a ‘cool scene’.
Cool Scene:- This was used to indicate that the going was good. So a party could be a ‘cool scene’.

Ocee:- This was used to indicate something was free and without cost. This apparently had it’s origin from the colonial days. The East India Company had it’s mail stamped OCS on company service and were delivered free of cost.

Zap:- When asked a question in an exam which we had no idea of then we would say ‘I was zapped’. There is a lot of regional variations to the term zap, I remember a junior Alok Ranjan who had a thick Bihari accent on being asked how his physio pracs went he replied “Jhak Jhapped me.” For a moment we were uncertain (zapped) about what he meant however later it dawned on us he meant ‘Zak (P. Zachariah our physiology professor) Zapped me.” This word of course is an English word.

Lawda:- A corruption of the Hindi gaali ‘Lourra’ which refers to the phallus. However when used it was more often used to indicate ones dissent, like if someone was asked “lets go to Verghs canteen for coffee” the reply could be “Lawda!” I have a lot of studying to do.”
Once in a while during a Class Meeting or a General Body Meeting there would be a lot of cacophony going on regarding some contentious issue. Someone in the front benches was trying to make a point while the back bencher where shouting what everyone thought was “Louder! Louder!” But actually it was “Lawda! Lawda!” conveying their dissent.

Fart:- This was used to describe anybody stupid or who did not measure up to your personal standards of cool. So when asked “how is that fresher?” The answer could be very short and sweet, “he’s a fart!” or some people got the classification of ‘superfart’ if they were really obnoxious. The usage is far removed from the original English meaning of flatulence.

Kusoo:- I believe this is the Tamil word for flatulence and was used by some of us as an alternative for fart. However was not that popular as fart. In our first year we affectionately called Venky (B. Venkatesh aka Bala) as Mr. K.K.B.J.L. Gopalan, the long initials stood for ‘Kakoose Kusoo Blow Job Lawda Gopalan’ in other word Shitpot Fart Blow Job Dick Gopalan. But realize there was no malice and it was with great affection we used this sobriquet. When I met Venky during Agroos 50th birthday I asked him if he remembered his name and he did.

Poondax:- Where this term originated from I have no idea and leave it to the rest of you to enlighten me however it was used to indicate the gate crasher or the odd man out. So if a couple was going out for a romantic dinner someone would ‘poondax’ by inviting himself as the third person. It was what is known as in Hindi as ‘Kabab mein Haddi’.

Checks:- If you have been following my posts you will recollect the one how the word checks gets pronounced as sex by the native Tamil speaker. Well after that incident a lot of the girls began using the word ‘checks‘ for sexy. So if you asked how your shirt looked you could get a response like ‘checks’ and so on.

Sexy:- Those day every Malayalam film had an English translation of their titles like ‘Sexy Dreams’ or ‘Her Nights’ and screened in theatres with suggestive names like ‘Blue’, though our hard core
Malayalees would vehemently clarify that the title in the original Malayalam had no reference whatsoever to either the ‘sex in her dreams’ or the ‘nights in her days’. But in CMC the word sexy was used to describe anything good or attractive. A dinner could also be sexy as well as a podima (request reader to refer to earlier posts) and had no relation whatsoever to the act.

Galata:- This is a Tamil word which means festival, carnival or dhammal but we used it for a noisy gathering, “there was a galata in the slums and the buggers got ducked”.
Ducked:- This could mean throwing a bucket of water on the juniors when they are making to much of noise or even otherwise or throwing someone into the Mens Hostel pond to celebrate his birthday or any other day.

Gumbal:- Literally meaning “crowd” in Tamil, the term is variously used to signify any gathering of people such as a group, a gang or a class. However in CMC it meant a group song where all and sundry sang in sweet cacophony.

Kai thook:- Literal meaning in Tamil is to raise your hand but it was used by our class to indicate a bad joke. I remember around that time the ‘Kumbh Mela’ was going on in Allahabad and a variety of weird Sadhus were assembling over there and one in particular had kept his hand permanently raised for the past 11 years. On reading this in the paper one of the wags in our class remarked he must have really cracked one bad PJ. This term originated when Priyo Sada made a speech in which he told the crowd they will know when to laugh when he raises his hand.

Kai Pottach:- Another use for the ‘kai’ as paws to ‘cop a feel’ and the word was used precisely for that action.

Soot:- Referred to the posterior end or more precisely an arse. So if someone thought you were an arse he would call you a soot. This I also believe was of Tamil origin.

Kottais:- In Tamil I believe this means a seed but this was used along with an ‘s’ to indicate plural to say ‘balls’. It was also said along with a hand gesture, like a spinnner turning a ball in his hand to indicate torsion thereby causing injury on insult. It was also used as a negation, for example someone requests you to do something you simply say ‘kottai’ or don’t say anything at all just make the gesture.

Ingay okaar:- This was a unique way of giving someone the finger. You just raise your middle finger and say ‘Ingay Okaar’. I believe that means sit here in Tamil.

Chumma:- This was an all time favourite term used whenever you did not want to give an answer or elaborate.
Question: Why are you going to town? Answer: Chumma! There is also the
famous ‘kaithook’ joke popular then, Why did the Tamilian cross the road? Answer: Chumma! and why did the Malayalee cross the road?
Answer: Simbally!
This also reminded me that Sunil Agarwal was in Ludhiana for a stint and was taking clinics for the students. He forgot that he was in Punjab and used the word ‘Chumma’, which means ‘kiss’ in Hindi. I could see the students smiling though Sunil was oblivious.

Gundale gud guddu:- This is a Telgu colloquialism for palpitations but it became viral because the lets say the ‘alliteration’? So it was used to ride the
Goltis. I remember a lecturer in ophthalmology trying to communicate with a Telgu patient. The Telgu speaking patients were notoriously dumb (maybe because most of them were from the villages across the border). Finally this lecturer in frustration slams his torch down hard on the table brings his face inches away from the patient’s face and says loudly in frustration ‘Gundale gud guddu!’ The patient totally unperturbed says “Aim chepistanaru Doktor garu?”

Broads:- This referred to the residents of ‘other side of the road’. Possibly referring to the breadth of their behinds brought to notice by the waddle of their gaits.

Other side of the road:- This was the euphemism for the women’s hostel, commonly heard was, “He’s gone to the other side of the road to gonad with the broads”.

Gonad:- A medical term referring to the human reproductive system however used in CMC in the context of making out. Possibly the origin of this term in this context is as result of one of the traditional activities the freshers were subjected to, going to town and collecting ‘ads’ from the shopkeeper in town along with our immediate seniors. Not a very pleasant job as the shopkeeper were not willing to part with their money. But a good opportunity for the seniors to gonadotropin with the junior girls.

Da:- Was an affectionate way to refer to a friend or another resident of Men’s Hostel.

Dey:- Was sometimes used as a warning like in, “Dey, Dey”, but generally used to denote less affection.

Whoataa:- Eff you! I think it also means the same in Tamil.

Whoatistanaru:- Adding some Telgu spin to a Tamil word to make it more interesting.

Maadari:-This in Tamil means ‘like’ in a comparative sense so if you wanted to say someone looked like someone or did something like someone you said “He’s muscular Moji maadari.”

Steady:- We were first exposed to this term during our ragging. Sunil Agarwal was the Nazi field whore who carried a toy rifle and wore a tin helmet with a Swastika painted on it. Whenever any senior said “steady Agarwal” he was supposed to stand at attention raise his right hand in the Nazi salute and say “Bugger all! Bugger all!” Thats how
Agroo became Bugaroo. The word steady was ambiguous and could be used in most contexts.

Heavy:- Anything could be described as heavy. If you are going with a girl it could be heavy. If you are wearing good clothes it could also be heavy.

Kudi:- Another term of endearment used in the men’s hostel. Origin is Tamil and I believe it refers to the female reproductive system.

Grub:- Any kind of food was referred to as grub. Our class even had special prayer. After the Grace ‘Praise God from whom all blessings flow…’ was sung then in chorus we used to say ‘Rubadubdubdub! Thanks for the Grub.’

Saapaad:- Another Tamil word which means food and used for the same. But it also referred to the procedures we were allowed to do as a reward for hard work during our internship.

Other side of the road:- This referred to the Women’s Hostel and their inmates. When the whereabouts of someone was enquired. The answer would be ‘ Oh! He’s on the other side of the road gonading with his broad’.

Architaan:- This again I believe is a Tamil word but used mainly to indicate a ‘Eureka’ moment.

Mansion of the Gods:- This is where the Gods resides and we all know who they are.

Gujaal:- This is again of Tamil origin and it was used to indicate confusion or trouble brewing.

Baaila:- If I am not mistaken this word originates from Sri Lanka and used by us for a group song.

Golti:- A Telgu was a Golti when reversed.

Oily:- Referred to the Malayalees because of the characteristic way
they pronounced the word Ooyeel (Oil).

Kundi:- We had so many word for the backside and this was one more. The word was of Tamil origin. Funnily the same word in Hindi means a door latch. So in North India if a South Indian was told ‘open the Kundi and come in’, he’d be zapped.

Gooseberry:- This again means the third person who makes company into a crowd.

So folks you are free to add to this Glossary. There maybe new terms

which are used in CMC so updating is necessary. But this is as much as I can remember. Three Cheers For the Silver and Blue !

I postulated this theory during a period of idle musing, though posted earlier it’s still relevant.
Wilkinson’s Theory of Relativity of Time
Einstein postulated his theory of special relativity in 1905 and general relativity in 1916. These dealt with space time. A moving clock ticks slower than a stationary clock. This was the concept of time dilatation. It is an interesting concept and I have also observed variables in the perception of time. This made me propagate my own theory of relativity of time. Mind you this theory is a theory of perception rather than an actual physical phenomenon. I took the liberty of calling of giving it the pompous title of ‘Wilkinson’s Theory of Relativity of Time’.

– Work expands to fill the available time:- We all have heard about the saying “the maximum is achieved at the eleventh hour”. This is especially true for studies, if we have say x days for preparation for an exam, our preparation in earnest will only begin on x-(x-1) day or in simpler words a day before the exam. We always feel we have plenty of time on day x and even when we attempt studying on that day the adrenalin does not kick in sufficiently and even if we stare at the books our minds are miles away. This holds true in almost every task where we have a number of days to complete, invariably the eleventh hour is when the maximum is achieved.
– Perception of the length of time is inversely proportional to your age:- This is a practical concept which everyone would have experienced. When you were studying in first standard a year seemed so long. Then as you progressed a year began to shrink. As you age a year doesn’t seem so long. This can be explained by the fact that when you in first standard a year, you would be around 5 years old and a year represents 1/5th of your entire life. As you age this fraction decreases so for me it is now 1/53rd of my life. Therefore my perception of a year has shrunk inversely to my age. If I ever reach the century mark the fraction would have shrunk further.
– Perception of time either shrinks or dilates related to the task at hand:- Have you ever run on a treadmill and realised how long a second can be? Or waited at a traffic signal for what seemed an interminably long wait but was actually only a minute. In contrast when we are commuting to our work place and are late, how fast the needles of the clock seem to move. Going on your first date is an example of both, time creeps to the appointed time of meeting and the date finishes off in an instant. Time crawls when you have a distasteful task at hand and flies when you are enjoying yourself. The irony!

From gropers to rapist!
Delhi has come into the public eye recently and has been given the title ‘Rape capital’ of India. Whether it deserves this title or not is a moot point, there may be more deserving places in the hinterland, far removed from the public eye. But Delhi didn’t morph over night into an unsafe place for women, it has been evolving over a period of time. The apathy of the authorities can be fully blamed for this sorry state of affairs.
In the late eighties and early nineties I was doing my MS in Ludhiana, I used to frequent Delhi almost every month, visiting my friend Amitava Biswas ‘Bisoo’ who was studying in AIIMS. In those days it was the ‘Grope capital’.  Groping was rampant, especially in the public transport system, the buses. Like in every metropolis these overcrowded, bursting at the seams buses were rich hunting grounds for the gropers. Those hapless members of the fairer sex who were forced to use the public transport system had to put up with the indignity of being pawed. The co passengers were either mute spectators or appeared leeringly amused.
Then on the streets these perpetrators had honed this into a fine art. Me and my friend were once walking through a tony residential neighbourhood and were witnesses to this scene. A car was parked along the side walk and across the road two perpetrators were on a bicycle and waiting expectantly. One was on the saddle and the other seated sideways on the front bar. They were waiting and watching like hawks for a hapless victim. They did not have to wait for long for soon along came a young lady striding purposefully towards her destination. She was walking along the side walk but once she reached the park car, she had two options. Either to climb on the pavement and walk around the car from the pavement xc or walk around the car on the street side. She opted for the latter option easier option not realising the danger. As soon as she began to go around the car on the street side the two perpetrators got galvanised into action. They swerved in an arch across the road towards the victim. The one seated on the bar had his paws flaying all around. The timing was perfect so that the victim was squeezed between the car and the approaching bicycle. She however had the presence of mind turn towards the car exposing only her back. With nothing substantial to paw, the perpetrators swerved their bicycle back to across the road. The onlookers had a laugh, whether they were laughing at the victim or the
perpetrators it was difficult to tell. The victim nonchalantly walked on as if nothing had happened. This must have been pretty common place in this urban jungle.
The authorities should have taken stern steps to deter such behaviour, this naturally emboldened perpetrators like these to graduate from gropers to rapist and Delhi’s decline to being the ‘rape capital’ today.